Spiritual Growth: Back In Over My Head

For May, I made a deal with myself; I was taking the month off from worrying and from any sort of strenuous personal growth. I mentioned this in my myspace blog about "Rest." For the most part, May was quieter, and I had a chance to just flake out and not worry too much about stuff. Some spiritual things were moving, but I was very grounded and relaxed into most of the stuff. But it's June now, and things are already moving at a different pace. To be honest, they were picking up last weekend, but now, they're back in gear and rolling right along.

So what is it now, Jim? My skin feels sunburned (no I'm not sunburned), and my stomach has been weird, making me go the can a lot. Now you're thinking, how in the world can dermatological and gastrointestinal issues be spiritual? Well, everything is interconnected. The body reacts to the mind and spirit. The spirit is the sine qua non and the foundation for everything that happens in the world. Right now, the feelings and thoughts that I'm working through are about fears--fear of failure, fear of not being able to find the right woman for a romantic relationship, and fear of being out of control among others. I don't fully know what this has to do with my stomach and skin, but those are the places where I'm physically feeling a lot of the shifts going on inside me. For awhile, I felt kind of fat and thick in the chest and arms (I'm 215 and pretty fit, fyi; so it's not like I'm actually fat).

And of course, I have an intuitive way of really getting things rocking in my life. Enlightenment tip #1 was if you want to get your spiritual growth moving, do something with a family member, preferable one that you're not on the best of terms with. I did this already, and it took a few days to really get back to feeling quite right again. Enlightenment tip #2 if you want to get your spiritual growth going: hang out with an ex-significant other, preferably one who dumped you. Having reconnected with an ex this weekend, a whole bunch of other stuff got jarred loose. It's not that I didn't enjoy being around her; it was really very beautiful and fabulous and new and refreshing and a lot of cool things. She's changed a lot as I have, and it feels like we've got a chance for something new. I'm not sure what kind of relationship it'll be, but being with her was a lovely experience in a way that I'd not experienced with her before. However, there are so many egoic/mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual charges in those close romantic relationships, that it really is like having a door flung wide open in your life where you'd crammed a bunch of stuff and it all just fell out on top of you. So that happened this weekend, and I'm trying to find my peace with it all. I think the hardest part for me in a couple of my newer relationships is simply not knowing and not holding on to them. I'm trying to let my relationships be as they are and as they want to be without putting an objective or goal or label or any of that other stuff to define the people or the relationship. It has been a challenge to say the least, and it is an ongoing one that is teaching me a lot.

I also feel a little strange around another one of my friends who's been going through intense spiritual growth. She's actually stabilized, and now I'm moving out into this stuff again. I think I finally felt safe to open up some doors to my own issues now that I saw that she'd found her feet amidst all her turmoil. Plus, our energies magnify each other's spiritual charges, so being around her pushes me out into uncertain territory. Spirituality really can feel like swimming in the ocean; just when you feel comfortable treading water where you are, another wave comes and washes over you. I guess I just need to become an even stronger swimmer because I'm done with wading in shallow water for awhile.