I officially signed up to rent a place in SF last Dec the 10th, I believe. As I come up on a year of living in the city, I'm amazed at how much energy has moved through me. I'm amazed that I've managed to hold together some semblance of order over my finances after two jobs that didn't work out and random freelance stuff. I'm amazed that I chose a city like SF for a major spiritual upheaval. I mean sheesh: it would have been a lot easier in Reno.

But maybe that's the point.

Sometimes, spirit hits all of over hot buttons and turns up the heat as the way to get us to expand. Water doesn't move to vapor because it feels like it. It takes a whole lot of heat.

It's not that I ever like to paint the process of spirituality (and it really is a process) as a hard one, but it kind of depends on you. If you've got a lot of past issues to work through, then it may be a bumpy ride. If you're like me and want to get through it as fast as you can, expect more bumps. A lot more. I still don't know how I managed to get off the floor of my apartment some days.

Necessity, I suppose.

Outer world necessity can be a powerful driver. That kept me moving to find jobs when I really wanted to curl up and pass out for several months. Which would have changed nothing, but it's how I felt. Some days, it was hard to be around anybody, even friends. I was that intensely internal, and I really needed very high energies to reflect to me and nourish me. Luckily down the road, I found a few.

And now as I've gone through this particular cycle, evolution, self revolution, I feel like spirit is kicking me out of my shell further. It's like it's telling me, "Hey you've been inside enough. Get back out there." If I thought I had much control over the situation, I'd fight back, demanding a vacation for goodness sake, but I gave myself up to this change. I wanted this change. It didn't show up in the night to surprise me. For years, I wanted more spirituality in my life; I wanted to know how to talk about it. I wanted to know how I could use it to help people. I know a lot of that now. Now I'm supposed to use it.

And spirit feels very insistent that I do so in San Francisco. That's not a hard thing to accept. I really like it here, but there's an urgency in this. Especially as I watch so many people teasing on the edges of their own spiritual awakening, I feel like I'm being called on to witness and to help hold a space for them while they feel this out. I do it because I know what it's like. I know how scary and uncertain it is. I know how beautiful it can be. And I know how important it is to find someone who tells you that "you're not crazy" and that "this is exactly what should be happening" and "You're perfect, you're beautiful, you're okay. It'll all be okay."

I suppose the last is one that I continue to work on, to remember. I'm okay. After all the energy, the fears I had to face, and the huge amount of work that went on inside and outside, I'm okay. Today, in this moment, I'm okay.

And now here comes the next moment....

Somewhere down the line of the spiritual path, there's a sign that says there's no turning back. At least, it would be nice if there was one. Maybe this blog will be that for you.

Spirituality is a total body-mind-spirit experience. You're getting excited about this, I can tell. You're equating some of those fleeting, other-worldly, higher-state moments with what I'm writing. Well, you're not quite right. I won't say that you're all wrong, but really you're being very selective. You're finding the piece of the puzzle that you like the best and equating that to the whole puzzle. It doesn't work like that.

You know, some of your worst days are actually your best spiritual days. You're getting a chance to see all your self-hate, pessimism, and fear right up close and personal. They're gifts for you. You've earned them through all the other days where things weren't so pressurized. You're feeling uncomfortable now, aren't you. You're saying, "No, that isn't spiritual. I meant sitting and meditating with my guru." Oh wait. I'm sorry. Did you think you got to pick and choose in this matter? You opened up the box, and everything is working its way out now. All those nasty dirty little secrets that you've kept locked down for so long. They've got to go if you really want to touch the depth of your soul. So here they come.

A long the way, you're going to do some hard work. Some excruciating work. Some crying, screaming, can-someone-put-me-out-of-my-misery work. Sorry. This is the spiritual path. It comes with complete disassembly required.

Because at some point we all got caught up in the illusion, the game, the sin if you're feeling particularly melodramatic. And you got to sort it all out again. You gotta find what's real and what's not. Along the way, you're going to have to leave a lot of stuff and oftentimes friendships behind because they no longer serve you. It's tough. I know. I'm sorry (this time for real). Because you need to have the right kind of people in your life who can support this new growth and this new phase. And they have to be ready to handle all the crying, screamng, and so on and so forth while you come into this new sense of being.

And it's not like it'll be over when you get there. You'll keep growing and changing because you'll see that you are change. You are always changing, and there's no goal to seek or achieve. You'll have to accept it or learn to accept it. There's nothing that can be done about that. But it is beautiful down there, I've heard. Probably worth all this anguish that is almost totally self-inflicted. Because as we cut away these bonds, we start to see how vast and beautiful we truly are. And then we grieve. We grieve for all the time that we spent bond and intertwined with our darkness, avoiding our light. These tears wash away the rest until we can just be.

Your whole life will change. You know this if you really understand the spiritual path. I hope you're not still seeking anything. The doorway is already open; the path right at your feet. You know what you need to do; it's just time to do it.

I think the last time I smiled it was just because I was happy and not about anything in particular. Most likely it was last night after meditating with my spiritual teacher and a good friend.