San Francisco: Where Do I Go From Here?

I officially signed up to rent a place in SF last Dec the 10th, I believe. As I come up on a year of living in the city, I'm amazed at how much energy has moved through me. I'm amazed that I've managed to hold together some semblance of order over my finances after two jobs that didn't work out and random freelance stuff. I'm amazed that I chose a city like SF for a major spiritual upheaval. I mean sheesh: it would have been a lot easier in Reno.

But maybe that's the point.

Sometimes, spirit hits all of over hot buttons and turns up the heat as the way to get us to expand. Water doesn't move to vapor because it feels like it. It takes a whole lot of heat.

It's not that I ever like to paint the process of spirituality (and it really is a process) as a hard one, but it kind of depends on you. If you've got a lot of past issues to work through, then it may be a bumpy ride. If you're like me and want to get through it as fast as you can, expect more bumps. A lot more. I still don't know how I managed to get off the floor of my apartment some days.

Necessity, I suppose.

Outer world necessity can be a powerful driver. That kept me moving to find jobs when I really wanted to curl up and pass out for several months. Which would have changed nothing, but it's how I felt. Some days, it was hard to be around anybody, even friends. I was that intensely internal, and I really needed very high energies to reflect to me and nourish me. Luckily down the road, I found a few.

And now as I've gone through this particular cycle, evolution, self revolution, I feel like spirit is kicking me out of my shell further. It's like it's telling me, "Hey you've been inside enough. Get back out there." If I thought I had much control over the situation, I'd fight back, demanding a vacation for goodness sake, but I gave myself up to this change. I wanted this change. It didn't show up in the night to surprise me. For years, I wanted more spirituality in my life; I wanted to know how to talk about it. I wanted to know how I could use it to help people. I know a lot of that now. Now I'm supposed to use it.

And spirit feels very insistent that I do so in San Francisco. That's not a hard thing to accept. I really like it here, but there's an urgency in this. Especially as I watch so many people teasing on the edges of their own spiritual awakening, I feel like I'm being called on to witness and to help hold a space for them while they feel this out. I do it because I know what it's like. I know how scary and uncertain it is. I know how beautiful it can be. And I know how important it is to find someone who tells you that "you're not crazy" and that "this is exactly what should be happening" and "You're perfect, you're beautiful, you're okay. It'll all be okay."

I suppose the last is one that I continue to work on, to remember. I'm okay. After all the energy, the fears I had to face, and the huge amount of work that went on inside and outside, I'm okay. Today, in this moment, I'm okay.

And now here comes the next moment....