Light the Night: Walking for Lymphoma and Leukemia Research

I texted some friends last night as I suddenly stood amidst a slew of balloons and Light the Night t-shirted people that "I never know what I'll be doing from one moment to the next."

Previously, I was on a quest for a birthday gift for my mom and was having no luck. Turning onto Broadway in Walnut Creek, I passed a bunch of EZ-Up Tents and people with signs about Light the Night, which I had no idea what it was. Of course, I had to check it out. Ninety percent of the time that I see anything resembling a street fair I have to check it out (Seriously, I've calculated that percentage; it's actually, 89.53%, but I round up. Sheesh, gimme a break). And after failing at another store for the item I was looking for, I ended up at Light the Night, registered, made a donation, and got four balloons of varying colors. Apparently each color had a meaning, so I unwittingly identified myself as a lymphoma survivor--I guess I should do a little more research next time. =)

Positive Vibes
Everyone was really very happy, and there was a great energy about the event. Most everyone were on teams supporting different people who'd passed on or were still struggling to survive the disease. My favorite T-shirt read, "Get Busy Living." How beautiful is that?

I chatted with all kinds of people from teachers to bakers to non-profit workers, and then of course, we went on the 2 mile walk with the lights in our balloons lit up. I typically migrate to whoever has similar energy to mine. I've been learning to not question it so much and enjoy whoever that happens to be. Several weeks ago, that meant I was sitting on a park bench in Concord talking to an elderly Greek couple, who were both just absolute gems. I think their names were Mariqua and Dirita (sp?). Absolutely fabulous people. Dirita raised two teenaged sons on his own after coming to America. Now that's a hero in my book.

Tonight, I ended up spending most of my time with four sisters and one of their daugthers from Marin county. Totally fabulous ladies. I think they were walking for an aunt of theirs who had passed, but they were super funny and spent a good portion of the time bopping each other over the heads with their balloons. They struck me kinda how Dave (my brother) and I will be in our forties. It was beautiful to see such a wonderful sense of sorority (in the true sense of the word, not in the lets get drunk and screw way that that term has come to mean).

Who Am I?
Last night (Saturday) is yet another neat moment in my life of re-discovering who I am. When you've gone through so much internal change, a lot of the old stuff that you used to do or find fun just doesn't work anymore. My patience for bar scenes was always limited before, and now it's a rarity for me to go there. It's a practice of patience that always makes me feel a little sad and like moments for real connection get lost as the lights dim and go out in the eyes of the guys and gals that you talk to in that space. So to stumble upon a Saturday event like Light the Night with such positive energy and to connect with people in that space is an absolute joy.

Going Deeper
It's also a practice of learning how to be seen. Most people don't see me. Most people don't see anyone. They're caught in a myriad of their own projections of who they think other people are. You always know that you've gotten caught in a projection when someone does something and you're like, "I never thought s/he would do that." Surprise! Your projection just broke. Good, bad, or indifferent, you just saw that your little box for someone didn't fit the truth of that person.

But when I get to places like Light the Night, I really come out in the fullness of my being. I think there's a certain sense of safety that allows it and because I feel like I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't care about dumping money on cars or clothes (although I've had a lot of fun buying clothes lately). I care about people and relationships and helping the world transition into this new awareness that seems to be changing everyone's lives. So to drop some money into a wonderful charity and support people who are facing real difficulties (as opposed to my boss doesn't like me difficulties, which primarily are mental games that don't't exist as opposed to a physical disorder that you have to face every second of your life), this feels true to me. It feels like me.

And people see that.

I could see that one of the volunteers, Nina saw me. Recognized me. It was the way her blue eyes absolutely shone bright as she looked in amazement that I just walked off the street and joined up. I realized that I was having my own beauty reflected back. It was almost too much for me.

Learning to Accept Your Own Beauty
The last header says it all. It's also a practice to learn how to accept that beauty in myself. My friend, Kara, once said, "You have no idea how much light comes out of you." It's a hell of a compliment, and it's absolutely true. I have no idea. I just sit in the middle of this pin-wheel and spin round and round. Hopefully, some of the spinning has subsided. And while some of this may sound egoistical and I have to keep a close eye on my ego, I think that I'm just starting to understand how much beauty I really shine. And that I really am starting to light up the night.