Spiritual Deconstruction: When the Path Becomes the Problem

Spirituality doesn't need structure. That's a human thing. It simply is. We need structure. The more someone thinks they don't need structure, the more they usually need it. At least in the beginning of a person's path. As you become more attuned to yourself, it becomes increasingly clear what you need and when you need it. Right now, I don't need a structured spiritual path.

Another Rebirth? Seriously?
I think I've hit another rebirthing moment where I have to skuttle old patterns and things that no longer serve me while opening myself to the new and unformed. It's scary as all Hell. I would like to have found a steady, stable path, and in some ways, I have. Work continues to go well, and I have my regular daily routine. But those types of structures have a lot less "security" for me than they used to hold. I guess what I'm speaking of is more an internal sense of security and well-being. I still feel like I'm in rehab; parts of me are as I'm working on a physical therapy regimen for my knees, which have gotten pulled out of whack just enough to be bothersome by overly tight quads.

But to focus more on the internal movements, there is this internal mechanism that I created to review, assess, and move through all kinds of personal issues. This makes it sound like I was a mess, which isn't really the case. Most people who've known me most of my life have seen that I'm steady, stable, funny, and usually pretty positive guy. It's just that we all have internal concerns; fears, worries, sadness, anger. I learned how to create an internal mindset to move through those, and then I supplemented that sense of self with people, practices, and other stuff to work it through.

When Success Is No Longer Needed
I really was successful. Every now and then, I do take a glimpse back and realize that I've moved out so much fear in myself. I am so much more out-going, adventurous, spontaneous, and open to life than I have ever been. I took some hits along the way by people who did or didn't know what they were reacting to, but that's life. Even when you aren't moving through a spiritual process, you're going to take hits. At least when you've developed a spiritual path in your life, you can see why people are doing what they're doing and take it a little less personally.

But I no longer need to be successful in this way. In many regards, this whole process isn't allowing me to rest, have fun, and to recuperate. Much like working out for the body, this work out for the soul requires equal measures of rest to allow the whole system to relax, rebalance, re-acclimate. In some ways, I'm not entirely sure who I am right now. I'm not sure that that's a bad thing, but I think I'm moving into an openness that needs to decide who and what I am in a new way. And I don't know what that way is exactly, but I'm sure the answer will appear.

Letting Go, But Not Leaving Behind
I'm relaxing my mediation practice. I used to meditate for an hour a day, but that no longer feels helpful. In some respects, I feel like certain natural ways that I am are a kind of meditation of their own when I simply am present. Certain friendships I am holding more lightly. It doesn't mean leaving behind these friendships, but a number of them really came into my life as part of this wheel of fire that I was turning to take on personal issues. If anything, these friendships are the most dear to me that I've had, but they need to shift into other ways of being to be relevant to the me that I am now.

Most of all, I am working to let go of the mindset, and this is the hardest part. I turned a tough inner self-critic into a catalyst for personal and spiritual growth. It worked out really well. Now, I'm working on just letting it go, and seeing where I stand. I am working on letting go of a lot of my life to see what I've got and to be with it. I don't want to go anywhere right now. I do want some more social connections to have fun with, but most of all, I just want to allow myself more space to just be.