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spirituality
November 2009 
Renewed Strength
Posted on Mar 10th, 2009
by 
Jim
Jim
Conceptually, I'm familiar with the idea that we all can have moments where one part of us goes one way and another part goes another way or gets left behind. To me, it's been kind of a silly thing because I never imagined that I could get so entangled or confused that I could lose part of myself. Yet, it took over a year and a whole lot of watching things fall apart over and over again before I realized that I'd done just yet.
We All Need Time to Heal
Once again, conceptually, I'm very quick to understand things. My brain runs at about 1,000 miles/min, and I don't expect it to ever really slow down. I love thinking and philosophizing and "ah-ha!" moments at 11pm at night when I'm going to sleep. But no matter how fast my head can understand and integrate concepts and realities, the rest of me doesn't move quite that fast.
Over a year ago, I had the love of my life and the woman who I thought was a soulmate leave me. The details aren't particularly relevant. What is relevant was the deep and abiding sense of loss that I felt. I closed up my heart too fast before it could really understand what had happened. Pretty much all my energy centers below my voice chakra hadn't figured out what was going on, and then suddenly, I've moved and am in San Francisco. They got left behind.
Reintegration and Renewed Power
My writing helped me find my way out. As the year in SF wore on and jobs and friendships kept falling apart, the topic of grief and loss continued to show up in my writing. I watched it as I began to compile my short stories into a collection that I'll call "A Year in San Francisco." Finally talking to my dad a couple of weekends ago, everything clicked into place. I understood.
So I had to go back in time to find myself. Fortunately, my writing was there again to help me out. I dug out old journals to find my words and the deep wisdom that was flowing effortlessly through me at the time. August of 2007 was an incredible time for spiritual opening, and I can still feel the power and energy in the words I wrote even though I might phrase things differently now. Nonetheless, as I read these words and let my heart and the rest of my body understand what had happened, I've felt my energy and my strength renew and grow again. I'm beginning to feel whole again.
Spiritual Power and New Doorways
I'm leaving the city and heading out to an area with fantastic energy. I can feel the life force around Pleasant Hill, CA, and I'm excited to be in an area that actively nourishes me. I imagine that the lessons that I've learned in SF will become more apparent over time, and I imagine that many new possibilities will now be able to enter my life and be sustained as I transition away from this place and move with all of my being into a new phase of my life. This has been the hardest transition of my life to date. It wasn't simply about loss either; it's been about 5 different major trends and changes that all happened to intersect at this crossroads in this city in my life. I suppose I'll be grateful eventually, but I'll most likely use a line from my grandfather on my dad's side: "It's an experience that I wouldn't give up for a million dollars, but I wouldn't go back for two."
Peace
The absence of fear is what I like best. I feel my strength growing in my third chakra (my power center), and I feel like I can face the world again. For those of you who have known me a long time, it sounds very strange for me to be insecure or scared, but I was terrified a lot during this year. I was so hollowed out and sapped of strength that it was all I could do to get moving each day. But I am hoping that this return of strength that now comes will bring me as much peace as it does confidence, as much love as does respect, and as much stability as it does hope.
In all of this, I'll continue to change, but I feel like a major transition has finally finished. Thank goodness.
We All Need Time to Heal
Once again, conceptually, I'm very quick to understand things. My brain runs at about 1,000 miles/min, and I don't expect it to ever really slow down. I love thinking and philosophizing and "ah-ha!" moments at 11pm at night when I'm going to sleep. But no matter how fast my head can understand and integrate concepts and realities, the rest of me doesn't move quite that fast.
Over a year ago, I had the love of my life and the woman who I thought was a soulmate leave me. The details aren't particularly relevant. What is relevant was the deep and abiding sense of loss that I felt. I closed up my heart too fast before it could really understand what had happened. Pretty much all my energy centers below my voice chakra hadn't figured out what was going on, and then suddenly, I've moved and am in San Francisco. They got left behind.
Reintegration and Renewed Power
My writing helped me find my way out. As the year in SF wore on and jobs and friendships kept falling apart, the topic of grief and loss continued to show up in my writing. I watched it as I began to compile my short stories into a collection that I'll call "A Year in San Francisco." Finally talking to my dad a couple of weekends ago, everything clicked into place. I understood.
So I had to go back in time to find myself. Fortunately, my writing was there again to help me out. I dug out old journals to find my words and the deep wisdom that was flowing effortlessly through me at the time. August of 2007 was an incredible time for spiritual opening, and I can still feel the power and energy in the words I wrote even though I might phrase things differently now. Nonetheless, as I read these words and let my heart and the rest of my body understand what had happened, I've felt my energy and my strength renew and grow again. I'm beginning to feel whole again.
Spiritual Power and New Doorways
I'm leaving the city and heading out to an area with fantastic energy. I can feel the life force around Pleasant Hill, CA, and I'm excited to be in an area that actively nourishes me. I imagine that the lessons that I've learned in SF will become more apparent over time, and I imagine that many new possibilities will now be able to enter my life and be sustained as I transition away from this place and move with all of my being into a new phase of my life. This has been the hardest transition of my life to date. It wasn't simply about loss either; it's been about 5 different major trends and changes that all happened to intersect at this crossroads in this city in my life. I suppose I'll be grateful eventually, but I'll most likely use a line from my grandfather on my dad's side: "It's an experience that I wouldn't give up for a million dollars, but I wouldn't go back for two."
Peace
The absence of fear is what I like best. I feel my strength growing in my third chakra (my power center), and I feel like I can face the world again. For those of you who have known me a long time, it sounds very strange for me to be insecure or scared, but I was terrified a lot during this year. I was so hollowed out and sapped of strength that it was all I could do to get moving each day. But I am hoping that this return of strength that now comes will bring me as much peace as it does confidence, as much love as does respect, and as much stability as it does hope.
In all of this, I'll continue to change, but I feel like a major transition has finally finished. Thank goodness.
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